Long Live Jason!!

www.livingto100.com

Who would have thought a dumbass like me could live so long? No worries anymore! Muahahaa...calculators don't lie. That's it, i'm going skydiving tomorrow...

Update

This update is for those who think i don't update enough.

Fill in the blank:

_____, I don't have a brain.

a) Yes
b) No

Haha..kidding only lah!

Lately

In the pursuit of dreams, and in the fulfillment of promises and obligations, I haven't told you what you mean to me.

In the days past of deadlines and overtime, I have forgotten to say how much I missed you.

In the nights when your hands sought me and found not the solace of my skin but emptiness of my past instead, you slowly lost sight of what we had built along the way...as you fell to the insidious whispers of your darker psyche.

Lately my heart has not spoken unto yours, our heartbeats no longer in tandem, misaligned in the wake of some harsh and ugly words.

But now, I want to tell you how you are the world to me, even when not with a million words can I express my feelings. That whatever words I may find will falter, even as my heart remains true.

Sometimes, just sometimes, silences speak volumes more of what words can say.

Stars

The plane was less than half full when it surged into the air. I looked out the window and marveled at how quickly the airliner was climbing.

It was a clear day, even if an earlier downpour has rendered it somewhat gray. Above the cluster of barefaced islands beyond the coastline, a layer of small wispy clouds floated, every one of them blown and shaped into cotton candy-like shapes. They looked like little tornadoes.

I was not able to look at them for long, as the airliner soon banked away. When the plane leveled, the undulating land of the peninsula came into view. But even that gradually faded to white as the plane continued to climb, and soon we found ourselves in the clouds.

We encountered some minor turbulence along the way. The pilot attributed it to the crosswinds. I got bored of watching the in-flight update ticking down the estimated time of arrival and peered out the window.

The flight attendants had dimmed the cabin, though errant lights still reflected on my window. I caught at a lone light flickering in the night sky and assumed it to be a neighbouring airliner. It looked as though it was flying parallel to us – a little too close for comfort.

Then I realized the light was not flashing the way navigational lights on an aircraft should be. I pressed my nose to the window and squinted at the bright speck. It was a star all along. Then I felt an urge to look up, and what I saw made my breath catch.

There was a whole sky of stars above, twinkling brightly like tiny gems on black velvet. At 40,000 feet, they looked…different – enchanting, almost hypnotic.

I could not take my eyes off the sight and stayed that way for a long time, feeling like a child once more.

Complete

I don’t know who wrote this but I’m really glad he or she did and now I’m doing my little part to share it with everyone.

"A misconception of humans about love & relationship is that having someone with us will make us complete. But the fact is Love is extending one's self to another. It means that before we enter a relationship, we should already be COMPLETE.

Otherwise, if we think that having someone will make us complete, it's not a relationship. Its dependence and it may not work out. When you are happy about yourself and you learn to love yourself, you may probably need not a partner (to a certain extent).

Right now, I'm trying to love myself more and to accept completeness. What happens next will be another story. But for some who may be losing hope, this affirmation may help.

COMPLETE.

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how much of a man/woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your masculinity/femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your own level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because God is still preparing your king/queen, doesn't mean that you're not already queen/king.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining.
Keep running.
Keep hoping.
Keep praying.
Keep being exactly what you are already -

COMPLETE."

Hmmm, I guess you can be alone and be complete. But there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. There are times when I love the former, and I always despise the latter. But sometimes I can’t even tell the difference, and therein, as the bard would say, lies the rub.

*insert title here*

Words.

The silent carriers of our thoughts.

Sometimes, when we really put in the effort, we can breathe life into them, stand back and watch as they take flight.

Beautiful little things for us to craft and sculpt into manifestations of speech and thought, the heart and the mind. Something we can understand. Tangible records of feelings that further trigger feelings within, creating endless possibilities for writing.

But lately, it is becoming exceedingly difficult to write; the words don’t come out right. Halting, unfinished, incomplete, misappropriated, convoluted… all wrong.

Maybe it is the thought process itself. Reaching deep within myself to find the right emotion to fuel the correct words is becoming harder and harder.

I feel drained.

I am feeling a certain emptiness inside. Perhaps that reflects the current state of my heart or soul. I don’t know.

I have to stop writing for a while. For a month or two, maybe. Or for as long it takes for the wild thoughts to come galloping my way so that I can tame them once again, and for the raging tempest within to calm.

But for now, I don't want to, and I can't anymore.

I Think, Therefore I Am?

In the world we live in, what we know and what we don’t know are like Siamese twins, inseparable, sort of messed up, existing in a state of confusion.

Confusion, confusion.

The Siamese twins, it’s not like they don’t always get along. They don’t always try to understand each other. In fact, the opposite if more often true. To put it simply, the right hand doesn’t try to know what the left hand’s doing – and vice-versa. Confusion reigns, we end up lost; and we crash bang right into something. Thud.

What I’m getting at is that people have to come up with a strategy to navigate the intricate web that is what they know and what they don’t know. And that strategy – yup, you guessed it! – is thinking. Thinking helps us differentiate between the things we know, things we don’t know and also the things we think we know. We have to find a secure anchor. Otherwise, no mistake about it…Thud.

So what are people are supposed to do if they want to avoid a collision (thud!) but still lie in the field, enjoying the clouds drifting by, listening to the sounds of nature, watching the grass grow – in other words, not thinking? Sounds impossible? Not at all. The answer is dreams. Dreaming on and on; entering the world of dreams and never coming out, living in dreams for the rest of time.

In dreams you don’t need to make any distinctions between things. Not at all. Boundaries don’t exist, so in dreams there are zero possibilities of collision. Even if there are, they don’t hurt. Reality is different. Reality bites.

What I’ve written here is a message to myself. I toss it into the air like a boomerang. It slices through the darkness, and finally comes back to me.

But the boomerang that returns is not the same one I threw.

Tear-stained Window

There was a shadow of gray overhead. A gust of wind gushed through the two blocks of housing I was walking between, and onto the road, churning dead leaves, bits of litter and the odd branch past my feet. The first drops of the approaching downpour hit my skin, as I quickened my pace.

Moments later, I was by the window, watching the storm as it came down. Like a sheet of silver drapery, the rain fluttered and danced as it swept across the neighbourhood. Everything was still. The playground across the street - teeming with life only moments ago - was now at a complete standstill, with only the rain as its sole occupant.

I looked on at the growing storm. A gust of wind sent a splash of rain in my direction. I watched as the drops trickled down the glass, merging and joining into larger blobs only to fall faster and collide with others, one after another, an endless cycle.

I reached out a finger and drew meaningless shapes on the frost which had formed on the window. Then I thought of you, I was wishing you were here with me. I wondered if it was raining as well over there. I imagined what we would be doing if I was there with you at that moment. Perhaps we would have been caught out in the rain and would have made a dash for shelter from one building to the next, your hand in mine. Or perhaps we would have decided to wait out the storm and mill around the shops instead, soaking in the sights and sounds of the streets, mingling with people who, like us, suddenly had no place else to be.

As I began to see the mental picture of us, I pressed a fingertip on a stray leaf on the window pane as though it was on your skin.

But I could not feel it; the water on the window pane, for it was on the outside, just as how I could not feel the leaf on your skin. All I felt was the bitter coldness of the tear-stained window, a barrier invisible yet very present between me and the outside world; between me and you somewhere out there.

Sleep

Dusk. The windows are slightly ajar, but I don't bother to get up and close them properly. I watch as the last rays of sun disappear in the horizon.

Night. The curtains are half drawn, but I don't bother to get up and draw them fully. I stare blankly into the darkness that has fallen.

I'm lying in bed, shifting in and out of sleep. I keep telling myself I have to get up. I have things to do, so many things to do. But my body doesn’t move. I don't want to get up and face the things I have to do.

And with each passing moment, the sense of dread continues to grow. I don't want to deal with it. So I close my eyes, and allow myself to drift to sleep once more.

Sleep, is where I’m free.

An Update On No Updates

It's been a while. Pardon the paucity of new posts of late. Busy busy busy..and i can't go online as often as i used to (no broadband here) =( .. besides, there's not much to write. So i'll leave you with a little something i cooked up not too long ago...

Silent night

Silent night,

The stars so bright,

As earth basks under the soft moonlight;

Pencil in my hands, paper on my side,

I prepare to compose and recite,

The thoughts i failed to set aside.

Gone are the days of my childhood,

When i played and laughed as any child would,

My mind free of worries, my nature so naive;

Now it all seemed as though the day before Valentine's eve,

Everything long forgotten with nothing more to concieve.

As i sit here all alone in this sleeping house,

Reminiscing the days I'm still as tiny as a mouse,

When problems and dilemmas are difficult to arouse,

And stressful misunderstandings so little---insufficient to browse.

As I weep here alone with nobody around,

Discarding feelings of dread in places it'd never be found,

Braving my heart and trying but failing not feeling down,

As i rest my pencil to sleep making no more sound.

-----------

Since you're all so interested =D..i'm currently studying in the Cambridge A-Levels programme over at Taylor's College Subang Jaya. 3 subs.. math, physics and accounting. No chem for me =P

I Resolve

1. To kick away my last-minute habit.

2. To learn something new. Driving? :-o

3. To look before i leap.

4. To do what i say i'll do.

5. To never lose sight of my goal.

These feel strangely familiar...haha, just to be safe

* I resolve to stop being unresolved

That one kinda rings a bell too. Oh well, happy new year to all. Wish me luck. And all the best to you too.

You

I imagine what you look like. The clothes you like to wear. The cuisine you take to, and the places you love to go.

I wonder what your smile is like. And the laughter in your eyes. The rhythmicity of your voice when you speak of happy things. The way that you tuck a loose wisp of hair behind your ear.

I like to think that you'd love to join me in the things I love to do. Stealing gazes across the table as we are settled down with a good read in hand. Watching life pass by over drinks or a simple meal. Or listening to the patter of a rainy afternoon, warm and cozy on the couch. We'd run off every now and then and meet for long lunches, except we'd skip lunch altogether.

There'll be an unexplained connection; words, countless conversations. We'd talk until there is nothing more to say. Sometimes we won’t speak at all, for there was no need for any conversation. We’d immerse ourselves in each other, hand in hand. And there'll be many little gifts planted here and there, for the unsuspecting you to discover.

Tears will be shed, and there will be hurt. Fleeting moments that will serve to strengthen our love. But at the end of it all, there will be comfort, sweetness… and so much more.

I know for a fact you are out there. Perhaps I have just described you to the letter. Perhaps you are reading this at this very moment.

And if you really do exist, I have already fallen.

Leap Of Faith

I took the plunge. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Oh well. It's not called a leap of faith for nothing.

Jump.
You might fall.
You might fly.

We Might As Well Be Strangers

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

Sand In My Shoes

Five days since i last blogged, not long.. but quite alot has happened.yeah, .i'm lazy to think so i'll keep it simple. Here are the "highlights" in chronological order...

1. Finished playing The Legend of Zelda - The Minish Cap..lol

2. Started playing Hitman 3: Contracts.

3. Gathering at Sam's place. Not sure what was the occasion but went anyway. Good food, good company, went "kai kai" with the guys till the wee hours. Good stuff =)

4. Went for EBC camp at Santubong. Stayed for 2 nights. Made new friends. Met old friends. Ate mountains of junk food. Contracted a rash. Got a cramp in the pool. Strolled the beach. Had an amazing encounter with God. Awesome.

5. Watched Aeon Flux. Weird at first, but it all makes sense in the end. Interesting plot. Nice action sequences. And got Charlize Theron, hahaha. Narnia should be better =p

Yeah, should be an interesting week ahead. Ern's back, tik's back...it won't be long till they come over and turn my house upside down. And we're gonna play lotsa baddy! Haha, oh and jimmy, fairol & vincent are back too. Gotta go to school and get my sijil berhenti sekolah and forecast results. Xmas is coming too!! Haha, time really flies, huh? It feels like just yesterday we were celebrating christmas..and tik was trashing my house. Lol..yeah, i know i know, very clichéd. But true, no? And kind of depressing too.

Au revoir

I can’t believe it's time to go
Leave this life, spread our wings and grow
Say goodbye to those we hold dear to our hearts
Shedding tears for we'll be soon be apart
Remember all the good times and even the bad
Including the fights we sometimes had
Through all the tears and the pain
Yes, friendship was our gain
We stayed together through sunshine and rain, laughs and shouts
We found out what true friends were all about
As our final year comes to an end
We'll keep in our hearts our special friends
And carry with us all the memories that were made
Since we began our crusade.

So my friends, I now bid goodbye
To the friendship that's brought me the sky
The year has certainly been swell
As if from a wishing well
But as with all things do
I have to, with much ado
Oh how it pains me to
But there's nothing I can do
If by chance, or fate we meet again
May it be filled with blessings in the rain
But for now all that I can say
Is unto God for you I'll pray

lolx

i m stucked at home for da whole daee... i m bored to deathh.. haha...i oso din realiised dat mummy hadd cum homee.. i got a shockx when she cum into moi room to tok to mee.. lolx... actually supposed to help mummy sett up n decorate xmas treee... but guess watxx.. i ended up decorating halfwayy... i found myslef readdiing da newspaper.. mummy got kindaa angryy wit mee.. lolx sorrie mummy.. afterr readiing da newspaprt... can't remember watx i do... haha.. tink i search forr moi literature in englissh material... ray told mee he wan cum over n buy laterr... then i tot i go on9... xun bian try to finish my work.. i been workiing on new template forr tis blog since yesterdayy... suddenly jasmine on9 n scoldd mi.. waahaha... shall notx talk about it.. so pai seh!! lolx... i went downstaiirs n realiised mummy had donee decorating d xmas tree... ooppss...so 'guai' of me... hahaaa... sat infront of daa teevee... watch n snackinng.. lolx...tiime fly soo fast.. moi daddy 50th birthdae tomolo.. got yum yum dinnerr.. =D

i tink me goin crazee... i simply lurve da sonng [little things] , by good charlottee.. omggg.. it's so niceee!! n i think i oso crazyy over da [[ marigold strawberry yoggurt driinkkk ]] ...my mummyy..i tink she kindaa angry cox i keep askiing her to help mi buy whenever she go outt... hahaxx... n i finally finished my new blog templatee...yipeee...tell mee watx u tinks!! ciiaooooss !!

A Thing Of The Past

When someone wrongs you, there are three things you can do:

1) Forgive and forget
2) Forgive but dwell on the issue
3) Ask that someone to piss off

I chose option 1.

You know how you always call abused wives or spouses stupid because they never left, even after all that battering and mental anguish? Well, I'm not one of them. I think I've grown enough to know when enough is enough.

People make mistakes and so have I. And everyone deserves a second chance.

But have no fear - one more strike and she's OUT.

Full of Emptyness

While it did not turn out to be the knock-out study session we had envisaged, yesterday was enjoyable nonetheless. It's been a while since the guys came over.

The house was resonant with voices and livened by the presence of people. The dearth which had plagued the residence of late was all but gone.

It felt normal again, to have people gallivanting about; in and out of the living room, the kitchen; up and down the stairs.

Music. Games. Food. Drinks.

Laughter. Banter.....conversations - spoken, not typed silently into chat windows.

After they had left, I retreated to my room...i lay on my bed for the longest time. And I felt.....empty.

.....the morning after

Hari Raya. Visited five houses today. Mostly friends of my parents.

Spent over 3 hours at Azlan's house fooling around with the guys and hogging his PS2. Definitely the highlight of the day (right next to getting RM40 in duit raya).

I'm.....full. One beef rendang too many. I feel sick.

-------------------------------------------------

LoL......full........empty???? I feel so empty right now. I guess being full doesn't make you well, "full". Two different things altogether. Haha..i'm not making any sense. It's past 1 am. Off to bed.

Boo

A puzzle of sorts for you guys to solve.

Trick or Treat!!!

Lol..not for the faint hearted though (read: me)

Thank You

I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could come between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.

But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship, the good times we had you can have them back

Yeah!

I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every lesson that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things I wish I’d never seen.

But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

When the tables turn again,
You’ll remember me my friend,
You’ll be wishing I was there for you.

I’ll be the one you miss the most,
But you’ll only find my ghost.
As time goes by,
You’ll wonder why,
You’re all alone.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship, the good times we had you can have them back.

So thank you - for lying to me,
So thank you - for all the times you let me down
So thank you - for lying to me,
So thank you - your friendship you can have it back

-simple plan

----------------------------------

On a lighter note, it's halloween!! Happy halloween!! Too bad we don't celebrate here. Guess i'll hafto go buy my own candy...haha. I'm such a brat. Yum!

I Do

"With this hand I will lift your sorrows.
Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine.
With this candle, I will light your way into darkness.
With this ring, I ask you to be mine."

me, study??

There are times when I wonder why do people want to think and rationalise so much.

I believe I speak for many people when I say that amassing vast amounts of knowledge is a big objective. The never-ending quest to challenge and develop my brain is, after all, one of my life's largest pursuits. But to what end? I have no answer to that.

They say 'ignorance is bliss', and i'm inclined to agree that they do have a point. When your mind is constantly crunching and spinning, you are no doubt, less carefree. I can attest to the fact. On the other hand, some lucky folks choose to well, 'ignore' and hence lead a blissful life. I cannot deny that innately, I yearn to just sit around doing mindless activities (read: nothing) and let my brain wilt and atrophy into a pulp. Haha..yeah, but if you know me you'll know that i do 'nothing' alot. But i don't do it as much as i wish to......why??

Ego plays a part, certainly. I won't deny the warm, fuzzy feeling I get inside, when someone showers me with compliments, when I am victorious in a debate, or when I do well in a certain test. Everyone revels in being a cut above the rest. Yes, everyone. It is human nature, after all. But this is definitely a selfish reason. Similar to masturbating our very own egoes.

That being said, altruism is another reason too. We like to think that we have a responsiblity and obligation to enlighten misguided souls, and steer them away from self-destruction. And maybe, perhaps receive recognition and gratitude at the end of it all. I say we are kidding ourselves.

No offence, but, sometimes, when I come across academic journals, I can't help but feel sorry for the authors. All that jargon, flowery language and mind-numbing research gone into compiling those 'ground-breaking findings', as they're sometimes called . But how many people will read them (or understand them, for that matter)? How many lives will they change?

Most of these scholars will probably die unknowns, their work underappreciated. Whereas when Lindsay Lohan appears on TV, she instantly influences how millions of girls talk and dress.

The sad fact is that, we're not gonna change a thing.

So unless you're an awesome, extraordinary genius on the scale of Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, you're not gonna change the world.

What the more we can do, is to apply our the full extent of our abilities to whatever path we have chosen, and to never stop improving. Hopefully, we'll reach the top by sheer merit, or at least somewhere close to the top.

Enough of that.

-----------------------------------------------------

Study? It's not like you're gonna make much of a difference. So why bother?? Haha..okay i'm kidding. Call it a desperate attempt to find an excuse not to study. With exams imminent, you can't blame me =)

You can do it!! Study!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh*

*yawn*

I ditched school today. Slept in, of course. Got up around 12 pm. Not too unusual, except that i went to bed around 11 pm. More than half a day asleep. My body clock's all messed up.

No more school for me from now on i guess. Till SPM starts. Sleeping leave Study leave. Now i'll have more time to sleep study.

It's raining now...

Do you remember when we said goodbye
How the tears fell from your eyes
And then the rain came down and washed them away
Like stars colliding in the sky

You know I love it when it rains
Cause I feel you're here again
I love it when it rains
You see the rain is like your tears
And though you're far away you're here
The rain will bring you near
I love it when it rains...

Haha..okay. Enough. Time to sleep study.

Puddle (of Mudd?)

Into the puddle I looked, and saw my reflection staring back at me. Above, the skies were overcast; I could not tell if it indicated an impending storm or - judging by the ripples in the puddle - if one had just passed.

I watched the ripples closely. There must have been three raindrops which had fallen a second earlier. Their perfect arcs pulsed in outward motion. Overlapping, colliding softly. It would be much later that I understood the significance of that number, and what the clashing ripples meant.

I could only stare as the ripples weakened and died. In the ensuing calmness, I was able to see the sixteen winters I had lived. Hmm. I stood there, in quiet introspection.

Suddenly, my doppelganger disappeared into a blur; as two drops of rain fell lightly upon the puddle. One after the other, until the last of the ripples had become one with the body of water.

Just as I was about to look away, two more fell. I could not tear my gaze away. The reflection blurred once more, its visage distorted beyond recognition by the little earthquakes on the crystalline surface.

The last drop was the most beautiful of all. Its ripples coursed lightly like a feather across the puddle, barely disturbing the image. The most beautiful, for I recognized it: a teardrop from the soul.

Writer's Block

For a few minutes, I sat there watching, spellbound, at the relentless downpour that had come without warning a few minutes earlier.

Then it dawned on me. "Damn!" I cursed to myself. "My shoes!"

---------

That was yesterday. The rain - or more precisely, the lightning - had the pleasure of taking out my modem too. The telekom guy came over just now to replace it. Pretty nifty response. I was impressed.

My shoes are still wet.

Oh well..

Relief

The familiar icon popped up and grabbed my attention away from the article I was reading. An incoming message.

It was her. I was surprised that she would have initiated. The exchange, while short, was pretty light-hearted, which took me by surprise as well. That it bordered almost on deadpan certainly disarmed me. There was a sense of normalcy, and the words flowed free.

When the conversation had ended, I felt a surge of relief. Somehow, all the self-imposed worries, fears and doubts had been placated by our exchange. I did not think that we would be talking like that anytime soon.

And I was glad.

Rest in Peace

My cousin passed away 3 days ago. She was 22.

"Sigh..once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile. Temporary, and precious.

But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. Which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and we act so thoughtlessly.

It's so confusing.

I suppose it'll all make sense when we grow up."

Enough said.

We will always meet again in our dreams

. . . . .

A moment of misconception,
At the slightest miscommunication,
The culmination of a misunderstanding takes action;
The one powerful and devastating situation,
Sweeping pass hard built trust and friendship in this tension,
Turning and moulding them into feelings of resentment and suspicion,
Leaving nothing left behind but hate and deception.

Do you still remember, my dearest friend?
The sweet memories we shared that could never end?
The bond and trust we shared that could never bend?
Or even the numerous messages you and i used to send?
How could you forget this much, even if you no longer see me as a friend?

Why had the birds stopped their chirping?
Why won't they fly freely up till the summit?
Why had you stopped talking to me?
Why won't you tell me what wrong did i commit?

Tears of disappointment, tears of despair,
Jewel like beads rolling down a face so fair,
Tears i can't replace and a mess i can't repair...
It's perfectly ok if you'd prefer not to tell and share,
All I ask is to hear me out and know that i still care.

There sure are certain things i can't possibly bestow unto thee,
But most assuredly true is what i did and said as you can see,
Utmost sorry i am for not knowing any human psychology,
But most certainly you can believe me when i say i'm sorry,
Cuz here i am, hoping against hope you'd come to accept my apology.

...and life goes on

Silent Love

You just sit there laughing so innocently, smiling and laughing contently like there's not a care in the world. But i know better.

Don't you realise what you've done? You've charmed your way into unsuspecting hearts. But when people try to get close you close up and shut out yourself like you don't want people to know you, but don't you know that I really, really do?

Sweet, that's what people say when they see you. I wish you were just that to me not just another face in this vast wide world. But that's not the fact, the world is so small and we only live so nearby and yet so far to do anything. When I'm not thinking about you I start to wonder. Why do I think about you? Just to waste my time for something I just cannot reach? I adored you, I still do but still fear strikes my heart whenever I think of you. Why do we want what we cannot have? Is this fate's way of teaching us how life and love should be? If it is then fate is cruel, for tempting innocent hearts to ponder where they would never besiege just to find that inner peace. The peace that everyone longs to feel inside. The warmth of love.

The time that was ours has past, but really would it have lasted? Who knows really, but curiosity holds me dear whenever you are remembered. Your name lingers in my head. Why won't these feelings go away! Just leave me alone for goodness sake! Leave me alone. I am happy where I am. But then I wonder why you are still in my mind, seeking what was left behind.

My heart races, my attention raised, adrenaline rushes through my veins when you talk. Weird, at first, but the feeling sinks as fast as it rises. You are my first, true love ever & no one can take that away from me. No one. We may have lost the spark, the chemistry. But what we shared no one can comprehend, for we did not share anything that was true..

A single word was never spoken but your words linger inside my soul. For you are the being I can only dream of but can never possess for we do not always get what we want but what we need. I want you, you are what I need. You will forever remain in my thoughts; that cannot be denied. You are true, you are real, but we can never be. Because you are first and foremost, my silent love.

To My Very Special Friend

So much had I gone through in such a short time,

so much had I learned from the mistakes of mine;

Now I had learned to differ impossible from reality,

now I had learned to accept what's really meant to be;

A part of me is happy for being set free,

a part of me is crying inside much sadly;

Perhaps all these are for the very best,

perhaps all these are just a huge mess;

Truthfully speaking I dont understand what I'm feeling,

truthfully speaking I dont see any point of trying;

What matters now is to study hard and forget the rest,

what matters now is to pray and hope for the very best.

If ever you are to read this in the coming days,

I'd like you to know I'm sorry for all my evil ways;

I had been nothing but a selfish, insensitive jerk,

without realising it I'd done much to cause you hurt;

And there you are with your ever forgiving heart,

sweeping my faults aside, each and every part;

There really is no one quite like you,

in this harsh world there's just a few;

How lucky I am to have met and befriended you,

my soul renewed and my wounds all healed;

Truly you are the light in the darkest night,

shining so brightly, everything's set all right;

How could I possibly wish for anything more,

when our friendship's rekindled like never before;

There's much to say but far less time to write,

I really hope I can continue this on another night;

But before I stop scribbling on this piece of paper,

I'd like you to know I'd love you forever and ever.

Rain Down

The downpour began with a trickle, laid upon the streets by the heavens of tears and unrest, like an aural, ethereal blanket.

Like an unexpected visitor, the rain came on the lazy Wednesday afternoon; and without warning, fell upon the road, onto passers-by hastily weaving around vehicles quietly stationed before the lights.

I watched from within the comfort of the car. He drummed his fingers impatiently on the wheel and exhaled heavily, his frustration evident. The engine purred silently on as we sat unmoving in the gridlock. We moved barely inches at a time.

The precipitation that had gathered into a puddle on the tar road has risen to a noticeable level. Like a bubbling creek, the current flowed swiftly downstream along the imperfectly-laid road, disturbed occasionally by the pounding wheels of the cars that were turning away from us; away from the entanglement.

I turned my gaze skyward, as though I could see you. But surely I was feeling a little hasty. It certainly did not matter that the unrelenting downpour refused to cede, or that I was caught on the very day the skies cried, for deep in my heart – secure, and reassured – I knew that I would be seeing you that day.

--------------------------

Productive procrastination :D
Reason? History test tomorrow. Die.

A Blog Not Me

Another blog, another first (and possibly last) entry. Well, maybe not exactly first. I signed up here sometime last year, posted some stuff. Then i left it to rot, together with the rest of my other spur-of-the-moment blogs. Then, for some reason, they decide to reset my account (no prize for guessing why). So yeah, first post all over again. Who gonna read this crap anyway??

I enjoy reading blogs. But i don't really blog myself. I've always toyed with the idea but ultimately, i let it go because i never really have anything worthwhile to say. I always wonder at the people who keep a very regular blog. Many blogs are boring because they're all about "what i did today" and whatever. Then there are those that are written by dumb asses, catering to the even more dumb masses. Thier blogs are plain stupid and a waste of time, really. Maybe i'm just hard to please. I can hear it now - people bitching to me "Oh, let's see YOU make a blog then, smart ass". Whatever. It's sad when people think a blog represents everything of a person. You think you know a person inside out just because you visit his/her blog x times a day. Show me a person whose can safely say his blog personifies his true character and innermost thoughts, and i'll show you a liar. When i started blogging some time ago, it was largely to pass time and voice some opinions while throwing in a couple of rants. A small part of me, however, was selfishly hoping for attention, admiration and affirmation; a shallow attitude i try so hard to abandon. Don't tell me you've never thought the same thing. Narcissist. People have asked me why i don't blog more often. Some say that a guy like me should have plenty to blog about; that i write nice, insightful entries. What do you mean 'a guy like me'? How well do you think you know me? I don't really blog, but if i did........no, really. I don't think i'll ever blog seriously. For one, i don't have the discipline to update regularly. Even if i did, and people actually started reading my blog, i always start to feel some pressure to post something worth reading, and that is not something i like to subject myself to.

I don't feel compelled to write down my personal feelings, thoughts and ideas in a public place. I write them down in a private space. Still do. That's where i find closure, where i tear down the walls, rip off the facade, where i can truly write from my heart and be, well, me. You don't really have that when you blog. Like i said, a blog can never represent everything of a person. No one blog is a real reflection of its author's real character and real personality.

Don't read too much into what i wrote up there. I was probably rambling utter nonsense, like i always do whenever i really should to be studying. "Productive procrastination". It's good stuff =). Exam's are creeping ever so closer. I'm scared out of my mind, i'm depressed, i'm stressed out.

Sigh.That's it. Back to reading blogs (productive procrastination, in case you didn't know) :D